I'm feeling really anxious about everything again. Like, with a new semester starting soon--I think it's going to be way harder that I had thought it was going to be. Also-I just got back from Belize a few days ago. Although it was a good experience, I was super homesick the whole time, and like everyday I was counting down the days till I'd be home. Because I'm Kaleigh Nieuwenhuis and I'm super hard on myself, I feel really guilty about me not enjoying my trip 100%. I mean it was eye-opening to experience poverty, and I think  teaching the kids made me realize that I really do want to be a teacher. I wish I could stop doubting myself about the whole teaching thing. I think I'l be a good teacher, and that I'll enjoy it. I just also have to remember that my career won't be my entire life. It was also really good to meet new people from BSC in Belize. It made me step out of my comfort zone and work on my social skills. I met one girl  that I will probably keep in touch with a little bit, but other than that the group didn't really mesh well--even the leaders noticed this. There were lots of strong personalities and half of the group already knew eachother and were a bit clicky. I'll also mention that I was sick (if you know what I mean) from all of the food, and I had my period that week. Sooo? I don't really know where I'm going with all of this..I'm kind of just rambling on and on. I don't really think I realized how big of a deal Belize was going to be when I was applying. Like...and now that I'm back I'm trying to just process it all I think. It was one of the longest and most challenging weeks of my life.
Also, when I was in Belize, I was thinking about commuting to school. I was so homesick that week that I figured I should commute from now on. And of course, I am becoming obsessed with that decision now too. Like--I can't just make a decision and stick to it. My brain is constantly thinking and it's just really annoying. I know that if I commuted my parents would drive me crazy, and I would feel really isolated and lonley. But then again, I really do love being home sometimes and my school is 12 miles (20 minutes away). I mean, living at college is okay, I've met a few friends, but BSC is not known for it's social life at all. Like--to get to parties you have to have connections pretty much, and the alcohol policy is sooo strict it's insane. So I mean, I feel like I'm not really getting the "college experience" living at BSC either. I have thought about transfering in the way back of my mind, but I really don't want to. Honestly. I just don't want to adjust to a new school again, and truly I am at one of the best places in the country for teaching. I think BSC was the first  teaching school in the nation or something actually. And BSC really is a good school--like I'm proud to say I go there most of the time. I come home on weekends a lot, but I beat  myself up about that because I feel like that's not being a true college student or really living away at school. And what's the point of paying for school if I come home so much? 
And then I'm really stressing myself out about growing up. I'm terrifyied about turning 20 next year. I'm really dreading it. I feel like I haven't really accomplished much in  my life--but I don't really know what in particular I mean by that other than the fact that I've never been kissed and never had a boyfriend. And I also beat myself up about liking Hanson and JB so much. Like it's crazy how much I like them and I wonder if it's even normal. Like? But most of the people who know about it do think I'm a little crazy but really admire how passionate I am about them and have told me that they wish they could get so excited about something like I do.
I don't know---all I know is that I don't want a repeat of how last spring semester was. I was super depressed and anxious every single day. I was a mess. I feel like it might get that way, and it scares me.
I'm sorry this is so long and ruining your friends page. I am clueless when it comes to LJ. If one of  you tells me how I can  make a "cut" or something. I wasn't even planning on righting this much, it all just kind of came out. I really want to cry, but I'm so sick of crying all the time for no real reason. And I know I must sound like I'm pathetic and sad all the time, but I am happy with some things in my life and I feel grateful for what I have and I like to have fun....idk. I guess I just need reassurance or something. Sorry for being blunt and coming right out and asking for it. I just really want to be more confident and make 2009 a really great year. I want to stop being so so hard on myself. I need to learn how to stop worrying about literally everything in my life. I know that life is short, and I want to make the most of it, but somehow I feel like I'm really going to fall short and not live the life that I want.  idk idk idk. I'm not even going bother re-reading this or editing it so please excuse the mistakes.

sooo I may be joining a soriority? idk I am so unsure. like half of me says NO WAY and the other half thinks it would be awesome.
i really want to be more involved at BSC so I feel like it would be great. But there are also some other activities here and I have made some great friends here.

idk...I got an invitation to "invite only" night on Wednesday. I'm def going to go to that.

my head is in freaking circles. my brain like hurts from thinking about it.

thoughts please?

So,I just watched Obama's speech @ the DNC tonight...and I'm amazed. It was seriously so genuine and so honest! Just listening to some of the things he said made my eyes tear up. I honestly feel that America is ready for a president like him, and I just hope that we elect him. After watching that speech, I'm not really sure how anyone can be aganist Obama. But, I guess we're all entitled to our own opinions. :)

Ohhh but if McCain wins, I might move to Canada.
who's with me? 

haha.